[10 years old × Autism × Swimming] A Fever Day in Summer

— To you, who reminded me what truly matters that day

Dear GENE, age 10, It’s the third day of summer break.

Today was supposed to be a “double pool day”—your day program pool in the afternoon, and swimming class at night.
Yesterday, you went shopping with Randy to pick out a new pool bag and sandals.
We even got you a new rash guard because the old one was too small.
I was getting everything ready, thinking, “Hope he likes it.”

But everything changed the moment I touched your forehead this morning.

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38.9°C – A Number I Couldn’t Emotionally Catch Up With

You woke up, then quietly went back to bed.
I thought, “Maybe he just stayed up a bit late?” and went to check on you.
You were lying there, quieter than usual.

I placed my hand on your forehead and thought, “Whoa, that’s hot…”
But I quickly dismissed it: “He was just under the covers, that’s all.”

The thermometer read 38.9°C.
I tried a different one, same result.

I should’ve immediately picked up the phone to call out of everything.
But I hesitated.
“He had pool today…”
“I even made lunch…”

Those thoughts just slipped in.

I’m sorry I thought about the schedule first.
But honestly—that’s what happened.

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That Morning, I Realized I Was More Worried About the Plan than Your Fever

I called to cancel everything. I called work too.
Only after all of that, I could finally face the fact:
My child has a fever today.

Of course I worry about you.
But before that, I also thought,
“What do I do about today’s plan?”

And maybe I’m not the only parent who thinks like that.
I want to believe that.

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And Still, I Found Myself Hoping You’d Feel Better Tomorrow

You weren’t exactly weak—just quietly conserving your energy.
No squeals, no jumping.
Just deep, healing sleep.

I don’t feel like you’re my “treasure” every single day.
But today, watching you sleep so peacefully,
I found myself praying:
“Please let him feel better by tomorrow… so he can go to the pool.”

Maybe that’s what being a mom really looks like sometimes.

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GENE, Thank You for Today, Too

Even on a day you have a fever, I ask myself—
Am I doing okay as your mom?
I’m not always sure.

But still, I’ll end today with hope:
That you’ll wake up smiling tomorrow.

Thank you, GENE.
For today, too.

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